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wThe World is my Oyster |
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I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal.
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wSaturday, May 03, 2003 |
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I think mama fate dropped me on the head....
ok so in light of my recent fear of not being attracted anyone, i thought of one just now. And thinking of it made me so damn depressed.
it was eric, the half naked marine in the park, yeah, the one who's phone number i tore up and threw away. He was so cute and charming, so... polite and not the least bit sleazy....and he had the greatest smile.....and he gave me his number with this sincere request that i call him....and what did i do? what did i do? I panicked. i forced myself to tear it up.....
why did i do that? i dont know.
for the same damn idiotic reason i snapped the CD in half.....=**(
its the man-fear. Damn that man fear.
=*( i'm so sad. boooo.
This is what the other half enlightened me with today.
so, my ex has all the qualities that i wanted, and he's so willing to be mine even after 3 and a half years apart, and i wont let myself even think i want him.
And i'll like somebody until they start liking me back, and then when they do, it gets tough for me to continue liking them.
am i a total head-case or what? how did i get to be like this? it used to be all so easy...=(
somebody come and sweep me off my feet and straighten me out. =*(
p.s. UCSD woOhOOdeehoodeehOoOoo !!!! =) !!! yayayay !! ok bye.
p.s.s. woohoo ! =) !!!
posted by
Laura at 11:04 AM
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wThursday, May 01, 2003 |
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On Getting a Taste of My Own Medicine
hahaha....my friend philip wandered into class all late and lost as always, but this strong-silent type guy was carrying this corny little white teddy-bear that was holding this red velvet heart with the words " I love you" scrolled across it in white writing. I thought it was so funny, because he was always such a 'hard' guy to me, a real manly man. It was so funny that i started to make fun of him and mock him, saying in this really lovey dovey corny voice " AwwWWwWw !!! WhAaaAt a cUUuuUUuTE teddy beaR !!! aWwwWw, did your GiRLfRieND give it to you??? AwwWWwwwW" and my fellow classmates laughed and it was all in good fun.
Until he then proceeded to place the corny little bear on my desk and tell me it was for me. =X
So then all my fellow classmates went " AwwWwwWWWwwW !!! howwwww CuuUUuTEeeEE !!!!! AWWwwWWww"
boy.
This week i been doing a lot of tasting of my own nasty medicine. =(
at which he told me he's had it for me since valentines day but he didnt stop by to give it to me cuz when he called me, 1) he didnt know i had a bf and 2) that i wasnt at home because i was at said bf's place for the weekend...
i felt like such a jerk.....
and then i felt like such a fool for not catching on, because i remember when he called me, and i was all being stupid asking him " so what are you doing this weekend? do you have a girlfriend? anything planned for your sweety?"...i didnt realize that i was the one he was calling, and instead he covered it up by saying " oh yeah, i have a gf, we're doing all sorts of things this weekend...." it sounded funny but i just thought it was cuz he was anxious about it or something....
ahhhh.......it all makes sense to me now.....=*( boooo, its too late !!! I hate that feeling of being able to see clearly AFTER you needed to....
like when somebody tells a joke and you really really dont get it, but everyone's laughing, and when it dies you finally *bBoinG* get it and start laughing but everybody looks at you like a fool cuz its too late....=(
But then...its not quite too late. =T
but then i wonder, do i want to be in a relationship?
No.
aiyah, i'm so confused. I thought i was done with my "man-fear"ing ...
well, i am.
But now the problem lies in the fact that i just dont get attracted to even sincere people anymore......so maybe my man-fear is being transmitted in that way.
=*( ugh. That's no good.
=O !!! *utter panic*
maybe i'm not attracted to him because he's the type of person that would treat me respectfully !
no....i'm just not attracted. *sigh*
=O !! ahhh...come to think of it....i havent been getting attracted to anyone that's been made available to me ! i mean....the real esate stunt thingy, that was cute, and so was the guy at the post office.......
=O !!! MAYBE I'M NOT ATTRACTED TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE ATTRACTED TO ME THEREBY ELIMINATING ALL MY HOPE OF EVER BEING ATTRACTED TO SOMEBODY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE SAID SOMEBODY IS ATTRACTED TO ME ! MAYBE I'M ONLY ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE WHO ARENT ATTRACTED TO ME !!!
wait, ok, my thoughts are running away from me.
who is cute, who is cute, who is cute? agh....i'm getting ready to panic.....i'm not attracted to ANYONE ......everyone that i've been meeting these days just allllll make me feel like..."ohhHhh brother..."
hmmm.....matt damon? Well, duh ! cuz he's not attracted to me, he doesnt even know me !
ok...gotta think realistically...
* * and.....................*~* nothing.
.i guess thats good, cuz the countless dating thing was never for me anyway, seeing as how i get attatched so fast...=(
posted by
Laura at 11:36 PM
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wMonday, April 28, 2003 |
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On Keepin it Real...
haha....how could i forget?
Yesterday, during the English service, Pastor Charles was talking about Christianity as a commitment and all, and referenced his children as an ultimate commitment. At which he said " Babies are a huge commitment, sure, making them is lots of fun..." ....at which the congregation kind of fell into this subdued silence....at which Pastor Charles so charmingly replied..." I mean, i'm just tryin to keep it real, can i get some for keepin it real y'all"....
hahahaha....yup, he keeps it really real. =) heh, it still makes me giggle.
and it was so funny because as soon as he said it, John said " ewh"....hehehe...that was cute too.
ok the end.
Yay !! i get to teach looodia in an hour, i missed her. =)
posted by
Laura at 3:07 PM
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wSunday, April 27, 2003 |
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ok, so a while back, in my excitement, i told my ex about my spiffy new mp3 cd player ( yeah, i tell people weird things when i'm excited ), and he sent me this data disc to listen to. =) i was so happy because, it was a data disc ! and...what do i have? i have a ...Data-disc player !! woohoo !! so i pop it in....and the whole damn CD is filled with songs that we would listen to endlessly....songs that we listened to when we used to make rice krispy treats, songs we listened to when we went to the beach, songs we listened to when we'd be in the car for those many long drives, songs we listened to when we'd cook food together, songs we'd listen to when we'd kiss..and other such intimate incidents.....
and boy what a tricky thing to do that was. Because i LIKE the songs, so of course i'm going to listen to them......
i listened to it the past 2 hours or so while i was reading my book, and then i realized i didnt do any real reading because i was thinking so much...
i didnt think it would make me think of him as much as i actually did....do......x( Then i thought about how its been 3 and a half years and still he's trying so hard....that shows he's serious, that he's really willing to treat me like a queen.....BUT NO! i said NO to second chances ! i'm never doing that again. But the things he does sometimes are so sweet, and melts my heart....but NO!!!
So in the heat of all my confusion, i snapped the CD in half and thought i did good.....until i realized...."HEY ! i'm out one PERFECTLY GOOD data disc!"
Boo for impulse decisions.=(
BUT EVEN MORE BOO ON TRICKY CD SENDING!!! =(
i'm gonna go do my boonga boonga dance now.
I feel quite confused as of now.
posted by
Laura at 10:44 PM
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On the innately "human" behavior of always wanting what you can't have
Its happened several times now in the past couple times i've been to church that i suddenly feel very awkward and out of my element when i realize i'm a head taller than almost all of the females in the congregation. Then a lot of the older ajuhma ladies come and pat me on the back and congratulate me on what a joy it is to be so tall and blah blah blah. As an American, i'm of average female height. However, as i replied to our pastor when he asked me a trick question on what my labeled distinction is, i answered "no" to his "are you a korean-american?" question and replied "i'm korean" instead. And as such, that makes me a tall person. =(
why the sad face?
i dunno, i thought it was a good thing too. Until i realized that it makes me an "outsider" of some sort in the average asian community. I guess thats nothing to complain about, seeing as how i already saw myself as an outsider in the asian community mentally and emotionally. But also, it's very hard to find a guy that is sufficiently taller than me. Now by guy, i mean somebody who my mother will approve of, and by somebody that my mother will approve of i mean, in her words exactly.." any guy as long as he's not black, not white, not mexican, not european, not a playboy, and not anything else but asian, specifically...hopefully he's korean". Yeah, thats her trying to come off as open-minded and altruistic person who offers me decisions for my life, but notice all the "not's". Now everyone who knows me knows that height, or looks for that matter, has never been an issue for me.(stop making fun of me. =P ) I'll date a guy if i like him ( and with THAT i'm highly selective, thank you very much), and that's that. The reason why i comment on height however, is because ego is a very big thing to a man. I've learned that no matter what it takes, you must always do anything and everything to NEVER compromise a man's ego. Despite how socially and physically unfair it is that something as uncontrollable as genetics and height gets factored into what makes a "man", thats just the way it is in our culture. Ask any woman, and substantial height comes in at around number 2 or 3 in the "Prince Charming" standardized list of matrimonial must-have qualities. Note the common phrase " tall, dark and handsome"...at which it ranks in at Number ONE. This selective criteria comes from back in the day when women needed a big, burly man to protect them and take care of things. While thats not quite the case anymore seeing as how "taking care" of a woman has progressed more or less to an economic rather than physical level, the old mentality still persists. Anywho, back to what i was saying. Dating a guy who is shorter or at the same height as you becomes a problem when that significant other feels his manhood is somewhat compromised by the fact that the woman is at the same level as him. You would think..."it wouldnt be a problem if the woman made sure that the man KNEW she didnt care, and if SHE didnt care, then everyones happy...". Not so, my friend. Because even if you take care to do so, according to socialized standards, he still lacks a significant "manly" quality, and he can't do anything to change that. That will make a man insecure, and as sad as that is, it is very hard to date somebody who is insecure about him or herself.
Now i hate that i have openly prejudiced every "short" man as being insecure, because after all "short" is only a circumstantial point of view. Which is what i was trying to get at in the first place.
Everything is circumstantial. Everything. And as such, people, whose conscious activity exists at such a higher complexity than sheer instinct, have to bear the burden of two of many conscious activities, self-centeredness and calculation.
You see, humans are always calculating. Calculating everything, and after we've done so, we feel bad, we feel an emptiness, we feel cheated because SOMEBODY always has something better than you do.
But again, everything is circumstantial, and amidst all our endless calculating of what we DONT have, we forget to appreciate the very things we've been blessed with.
I've had numerous conversations with many of those closest to me, and i wonder when everybody will just put down their damn calculators and live. Enjoy life. Enjoy life for everything you got, not everything you dont got. Otherwise, you'll end up like my father, and as many of you may know, he is oneeeeee grumpy individual.
But its hard to put down those damn calculators, especially when so many of us have been turned into media zombies and are constantly bombarded by images that it took teams of people to make, and are brainwashed into thinking those are the standards. People are always going to want what they cant or sometimes dont have. I think that its a part of being human, however sad that is. That conscious thinking comes at a high price...one that includes a complimentary lifelong calculator that doesnt go away.
It can make people so unhappy.
And again, i cant emphasize enough that its so trivial because it all depends on circumstance....like....
I never thought walking across a parking lot was a scary thing until my best friend told me she didnt want to walk because she was afraid she'd get runover. At which she wished she was taller.
I pay my respects and greet all of the women in the church after service with my polite bows and such, and feel so darn awkward that i'm a head taller than everyone, and have to do this weird back crunch thing to not have the women looking up my nose or something. At which i wish i was shorter.
Or i met the cutest guy at the bank and when we were conversing he was standing on this customer service pedestal thingy, but when he came around the way to give me a hug i noticed he was the same height as me. At which i wished i was shorter then too.
The FATAL word that you never say to the other half is "cute". You never say anything about her is cute unless you want to die a most painful and excruciating death ( Harry Potter..heh. ). Anyways, she absolutely DESPISES being "cute". Everyone says she's "cute". Wouldnt you think that would be a wonderful thing? But no, she'd much rather be a "sexy mama" instead.
I however, would like less attention from these sleazy types who do say things like "sexy mama" and rather be called "cute" by a more modest type of people.
The other half thinks being tall is a blessing when it comes to guys. Because supposedly, more guys like you. i think that is absolutely untrue. And if i may say so myself, shorter girls are blessed with a larger range of selection. You can have the short ones and the tall ones ! they're all yours for the taking. However, for taller girls, half the selection is obliterated, for reasons aforementioned. But she thinks if youre short, you cant have a tall guy because people think it looks funny, and in that way, half of her selection is obliterated as well. (she's got a lightning quick calculator, that one).
A friend of mine is on the very slim side, so much so that many people have asked her if she is sick. She'd love to gain weight, if she could. However, other girls look at her and sigh, " i wish i was as thin as her".
Another friend of mine had plastic surgery done on her nose, and is currently working hard to amass money to finish off the rest of her natural face. She wants bigger, rounder, Bridgett Bardeux eyes, and a sculpted and narrower jawline, bigger, bouncier breasts, as well as concave cheekbones and raised eyebrows. WHY? because to her, american girls are so much prettier. To her American girls are so pretty, lest she forget shes ASIAN, and as such, has been blessed with uniquely asian beauty.
And breasts? Boy, thats a whole other topic. Women with big ones want smaller ones because their backs ache, they can't find clothes that fit right, they get so much unnecessary attention and you can't even take a simple jog without having them painfully flopping all over the place.
Women with small ones WANT big ones for that same attention, so that THEIR clothes will fit right and such and such.
I wanted mine to grow for reasons aforementioned, but now that they are growing, they wont stop when i want them to. And now i've got sleazy "industry" people asking me "where i got them done" so that they can find other girls to butcher at the "great new plastic surgeon they've found that does 'em "real-looking".
Somehow, i manage to attract those business-minded men who make a lot of money, but i find that i am most attracted to men who, humorously enough, dont have money.
My brother's best friend wishes he was as fit as my brother is, my brother wishes he was as tall as his best friend is.
I wish i could learn to shut up once in a while and stop talking to so many damn people, my best friend wishes she could talk more.
On and on and on and on.....it'll never end. But there is hope.
True, you can't put away your calculator because that thing was implanted in your brain the day you were born. But you can take a look at the circumstance, and change your point of view. You can look at things positively or negatively, and that simple change will make a world of difference.
The calculating is endless, and has no potential to cease. However, you can trick your mind into taking everything positively. And then your life will improve in ways you never imagined ( probably because you were too busy calculating and all.)
While i'm on the topic, i've done a lot of thinking on relationships and wanting what you cant have. This is such a timeless question " why do the good men constantly chase the bitchy woman, and why do good girls end up with men who treat them bad?"
The answer i'm thinking of is a tragically perverse one. But i think it works, in this instance.
Again, its people wanting what they can't have. A good man can always, indefinitely find a good woman to treat him as he wants, and deserves. And vice versa. A good girl can indefintely find a good man who will treat her like a queen. But why do they end up with the ones that treat them bad?
Because they cant have it. They can't have a good relationship with a bad boy or girl, and THATS why they want it. If you are a good person, being with someone who treats you good is too easy, and youre constantly searching for that something that you cant have, and the precise thing that you CANT have is a GOOD relationship with a BAD person.
Its so decidedly perverse, and many of you who've been in bad relationships will instantly defend yourself, "Thats just sick. Why would I do that?". But think about it. When you were in that bad relationship, think real hard. There were always at least 3 or 4 great guys ( or girls ) who were in love with you,waiting for you in the midst of it all, and begging for you to stop being unhappy in the relationship when they could treat you so much better, and you knew they could. But you conscientiously CHOSE to stay in the bad relationship.....because it was a challenge, because it was something you couldnt have.
yeah, thats a pretty sad way to live. =T i've been there a couple times, and still experience it today. But i've learned my lesson and boy, what a tough one ! but now i'm learning to use the calculator for greater purposes, and boy, it makes a world of difference.
*phew*.
I realize my bloggs have gotten significantly longer because i'm in that Zen Writing Spirit, and it can't be stopped. Muhahaha. I'm waiting on some copyrights for some shorts i've written, and after i plan on dippin my toe in....1st stop ! my fav. mag, Reader's Digest ( yeah, i'm one of THOSE people. heh.)
Its so exciting, this. Well, anywho, although my blogs have become bloggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggs i appreciate those of you who still read. =) And here, are my thanks. Thanks, thanks. =)
Interesting tidbit? J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter series, monetary wealth ranks her worth at a place higher than the Queen herself, Rowling's fortune coming in at an estimated 444 million dollars. =) wowzers.
posted by
Laura at 8:56 PM
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