wThe World is my Oyster
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wThursday, April 10, 2003


Finito !

The soul-searching is done, and I found it. I found the old me. And this time, i'm holding on, and not letting go. I found the me that was trusting, unsuspicious, willing to love, willing to give all.... and boy, did i miss it. Its been missing for so long now, hidden under all those pathetic scars and cautiousness. I'm done with hating myself for all the mistakes, for playing the fool, because now i've truly learned whats its all about.

I've spent the past couple years trying too hard at something that wasnt worth it, letting it consume me, letting it make me feel inferior because i had tried so hard and it just wasnt working. Which became a vicious cycle really, because i tried and it didnt work, didnt want to give up because i wanted to try to make it work, tried to make it work but found it was impossible to clap with one hand, tried anyway, didnt work, decided not to try anymore, was asked to try, tried again and didnt work......

Here it comes, the big Relationship analogy. I think relationships are like the exchange of two very delicate champagne flutes. In the beginning, you willingly give your champagne flute to the one who asks for it. And in it, he then tries to fill it with his love. You in turn, also receive his flute, and work tirelessly at filling his cup as well. At which, for whatever reason, somebody becomes clumsy. He bumps the cup, and not only does a little spill out, but it scares you too. " Why isnt he being careful with my cup?" so a little spills out...not a big deal.You move on, thinking he'll be more careful with it. Then, that person might get careless again. Might knock it over...the "love" he had begun to fill spilling out, but maybe he catches it in time so that there's still a little left at the bottom. BUT ! the flute is a little cracked. It can still retain that little love, only now youve scared the person, she might want to take her cup back. So even though its been a while since you exchanged your cups, you kind of have to start all over again at filling the cup because a lot of it spilled out. But if youre willing, you try. Then for whatever reason, there's the ultimate tragedy of just shattering the cup, weakened by the many little cracks, into unrecognizable form, and with it, all the love. At which, if it was your poor little cup, you should dust the pieces off and just walk away. Hell, maybe you shouldve just walked away when he bumped it, if you had the insight to.

I should have dusted the pieces off and walked away. At which i tried so hard to, i wanted to......and i was so close.

But i was asked to try to restore it....convinced that if i did it would be in good hands this time around.

At which i should have been smart enough to refuse. I really should have been smart enough. Why look back when there's so much more ahead ? but no...i let my heart lead the race in all the decisions. And hence all the hatred directed right at me, by me.

I didnt save myself the trouble, and like a fool i got down on my hands and knees while i tried so sincerely painstakingly, reconstructing those shattered pieces. As if that wouldnt be hard enough, i had a whole tribe of people trying to prevent me from just that. My manager even threatened to fire me. But still i persisted like a fool, denying myself of what little pride and integrity i had left that i should have seized and walked away with. I persisted like a fool, being that damned optimist, believing that it would be worth it this time around.

But the reason why its not worth it, despite what may have changed, what may have been realized, corrected... since the cup was shattered.....is just that. That the cup is shattered....and no matter how hard you try to reconstruct that cup, it will never be the same. Even if you try to the best of your abilities to seal those cracks, to put each piece right where it was before, it will never be as smooth and wonderful as when you first gave it. And no matter how much love is being poured in the cup, it will never be able to retain it as efficiently as it did when it was new. It might do the job for a while, but the littlest thing can break it. And this time around, youre so scared with your cup that you dont want him to have it. You're unwilling to try to fill his cup, too scared to invest in filling his cup until youre sure that he's going to take care of your pathetic broken down little cup. And chances are, he's not going to have the patience for you to reconstruct trust in him to hold onto your shabby little cup, nor do you have the strength in you to keep trying to hold the cup together.

People need to make mistakes to learn. There were a lot of unfortunate mistakes in my past relationship that were so unnecessary and painful that ultimately led to us breaking up for the third and final time. At which i realized that it was such a blessing that he broke it off with me, because i, being that hopeless optimist, would have just kept trying, naively believing that if i just worked hard enough, if i just loved harder, it would work. But he left, which was fine, because i believe he learned from them and i had nothing but love for him. Unfortunately, i didnt have the same love for myself... =( because i was so convinced that i was such a hopeless person because i loved so hard and still it wasnt enough.

That should have been all.

I moved on, and was doing pretty ok for myself...slowly learning to love myself again, slowly learning that there wasnt anything wrong with the way i loved,slowly learning how to trust the other gender again. I learned how to have fun again, and even planned a trip to New York...do a little dating, a little dancing, a lot of forgetting, a little romancing in the cold New York air and come on home.

But then he came back, and while i thought i had done such a good job at walking away that third and final time, i realized i couldnt. ..because i didnt know what i had done wrong the FIRST time around, why i was treated so badly, why he left. Because i didnt know what i had done wrong, i was so easily convinced to go back into that relationship so that i could prove that it wasnt a waste of time, so i could prove to myself and my friends that they were wrong when they said from the very beginning that it wasnt worth it. So that i could prove that hard work and sincere love was really worth it.

When he came back, although he might have been a different, wiser individual, its such common sense ( to me NOW, not then) that the relationship just wouldnt be the same. Because in that time that we were apart, he might have changed for the better, but i in turn, had changed for the worse. I had become untrusting, suspicious, cautious, resentful, and seriously lacked the confidence to be IN that same relationship because of all that had happened before. So while he told me he was willing to give me all the time i needed to restore that, i knew that it would be equally as tough for him to watch me and wait for me to rebuild myself from the pain that he had essentially caused.

I was so hesitant to get back into the relationship, but i did for the sake of that damned optimism. And it was good....i thought. But it was bad. I still had that lingering resentment for him, I wanted to be treated better, i'd blame him at instances when i felt bad, he blamed me for making him feel bad that i felt bad, i blamed myself for being such a fool to make the one i loved feel bad because i felt bad because he had made me feel bad.

It was just such drama, and it all could have been avoided. And hence i've spent the past month searching deep within me to recover that old me, and stop hating myself for making that wretched mistake. Girls are such romantics who believe that age-old saying " it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all".
Boy, i think that's overrated. I used to believe that, but not in this particular case. Because in the end, i came out this untrusting, resentful, spiteful, pathetically burned,self-hating, cynical, and apathetic creature of despair. Last week, a boy poured his heart out to me and i shrugged him off because i just....was tired of the drama, even before it had begun. He felt the need to retaliate for his ego, and called me an " ice-queen" and while i pretended not to care, it hurt. Because i didnt want to be that apathetic, op-sex spiteful person, i wanted to love. But all those painful events had taught me to not care so much, because it was such a risk.

At the end of our relationship, there was just so much drama. So much so that i had just become overwhelmed by it. I sincerely wanted the relationship to work, but we both just couldnt handle the immense care and generosity that the relationship needed for it to work at that moment.
He was so disappointed in me, for not loving him the same way that i had before, i was so disappointed for not being taken care of the way i felt i deserved, and for being blamed for the time it was taking me to heal.

It was dying.

I wanted it to end on good terms, because Lord knows i will always care for him, but my emotions got the best of me. I just became so heated, felt so cheated, felt it to be so ironic that those many things he was disappointed of this time around were things that i had endured on a higher level, and painfully so, just for the hopes that i could make the relationship better.I found it ironic that he could say the things he said when i had come so far to take him back, to get to that point. I found it ironic that he could blame me for things that i had done when he had done the same but worse. I just found it all so ironic. So i let him have it. For everything he blamed me of, i reminded him of when he did the same but worse. I almost wanted him to hate me...it felt justified because i already hated myself for playing the fool. For not having enough respect for myself to refuse to take him back after all those disappointments when he could so easily blame me and push me away for lesser things. And so he probably hates me, resents me, for making him feel bad that ultimate and final time. And while i did have so much resentment for him, the truth of the matter is that i had once loved him, and hence i'll never stop caring for him. Its his birthday this weekend. While i'd sincerely wish him a happy birthday, i can't. Because there's too much fire there. It wouldnt be understood that i JUST wanted to wish him a happy birthday and nothing else. And so i wont.

"I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend
Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn't fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don't

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man's wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it's replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished"
-Lauryn Hill

As if i couldnt be more humiliated to say this, i just have to say..." mama, you were right. Friends, you were right. Brother, you were right. Coworkers, you were right." Heh. So i humble myself before you now, by telling you that THIS last and final time, it was so easy to walk away, to delete everything from mind, body, spirit....not to mention phone, computer, memorabilia etc. Boy thats embarassing. It was so easy because i had to do it so many times before. =( boo. So that being said...i''d appreciate, please, no more " i told you so" comments.


I've passed up a lot of good opportunities, i've hurt a couple people for not taking those opportunities, because i was stuck in this relationship that just wasnt going anywhere. But now i've learned to take those opportunities, and there are just so many out there. =) and the fun lies in the finding.

Ladies, what i'm trying to say is...don't let one scary relationship scare you into holding onto your cup and never let it go...find a fun somebody, and be willing to give your cup. .If you give your cup, and your cup gets bumped, dont wait around to see what happens. Take your cup back and give it to another who you think will really take care of it. And if somebody shatters your cup, brush it off and NEVER EVER look back... despite whatever he says.
Its been 3 and a half years since my relationship with my first boyfriend ended, and still he's trying so hard....still believing that one day his hard work will pay off and all his deeds will be repayed with true love, marriage even. I feel somewhat sorry for him, because i know it will never be, and i know what its like to be in his shoes, trying so hard. He hides under the pretention that he thinks i think he only wants to be friends. But all that is lost when he sends me things to try to remind me of the past. On my birthday, he sent me this perfume that i used to wear when we were together, a DVD of the first movie we kissed to, pictures of us..... Its just not going to happen. I just dont want to look back....i dont want to look back...

I never even should have looked back this past time....but, oh well. I never will look back again.

I'm just so happy now. Happy that my emotions are no longer dictated by the way he made me feel, the way i permitted myself to feel less than what i really was because of it. I'm so happy i've found the old me before all that drama, and now i can once again love people in the same manner that they love me....and i've found the true potential to be happy with somebody who's happy with themselves. Because how hard is it to try to make somebody happy if they're not happy with themselves?

Life is so beautiful, so wonderful, so giving. And there are such lovely ways that lovely people find you...you dont have to worry about how you're going to meet that special somebody. They are everywhere, and so willing, if only you give them a chance.

Maybe you need to sit in the scorching, razing, blindingly hot sun for a little bit to realize how wonderful and cool the shade is. And like i said, its like a light switch really. Youre scared, and you think you'd rather melt in the sun than be in the dark....but inevitably you have to get out of the scorching sun, and you realize, hey its not so bad. Its actually....pretty damn good.

AND SO ! the soul searching is done.FINITO ! =) I feel so happy, so refreshed, so proud. =) Thank you, thank you.


OoOh i'm listening to that song again, and it gets me all hot and bothered. Somebody please sex me now....

" i really like what you do to me, i can't really explain it, i am so into you...."
(Desertstorm remix feat. Fabolous and Ashanti )

This whole CD gets me all hot and bothered. I feel Boo for that conscious non-decision on my part. =( Heh. Just kidding.
Maybe not.
I dunno, give me another week....hopefully i'm still as strong...yeah, i will be. heh. BOO !

On that note...i am preparing to get baptized this Easter Sunday...which means i REALLY should pay special attention to my non-decision, among other things. Aiyah....
i feel scared of THAT commitment...of being cleansed of my sins and starting anew because i'll be so scared of messing up....booo !

its ok. I make lamb.

Wish me luck !

La dolce vita..


posted by Laura at 12:38 AM


wSunday, April 06, 2003


Boy what a sad day. Did a lot of soul searching....did a lot of finding.....felt a lot of disappointment.

Have a lot to say, but not quite the words to say it. I will tell you all about it later, maybe.

But i found me, parts of me maybe...that disintegrated away through different painful events that happened over the past few years. Tried to put them together...but they've been missing for so long now....

Still have a long way to go....

Boy its tough.

But then the other half was there, and oh Lord, what a blessing that is.

And she understands, she hears....and she likes feeding the ducks !!! =)
Boy, thats what life is about. Feeding the ducks and watching the kids and riding on bikes and drooling over sexy marines....Heh.

I have a NEW favorite movie. You can add it to my list.
1) SINGING IN THE RAIN of course !
2) A Little Romance (<~ thats the new favorite. It stars sir Laurence Olivier. Oh boy oh boy, its wonderful. Heh. )

I wont tell you the rest of my list to keep it a mystery so you can wonder what it is. =)

Seems my breasts have caused quite the riot.... and all thanks to my stupid digi-cam genius voyeuristic little pervert, who covertly snapped the picture, posted on the internet, and even requested that i "sign" them. Oh brother....

You may look, seeing as how pretty much everyone else saw them anyway


posted by Laura at 10:05 PM