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wThe World is my Oyster |
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I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal.
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wMonday, March 10, 2003 |
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The Big Non-Decision
so i told my special friend of my "almost-decision"...and she supports me ! ( thanks you. heh.) i decided to call it my NON-decision.... because i dont want to label it, i dont want to make it concrete...because then i'll be scared of the commitment, scared of failing, scared of the whole BIG decision. So its not really a decision. Hence, the NON-decision.
I think the Non-decision is not a DECISION ( *cue the scary music ) but more of a mentality. " I think i can, i think i can" is good for one ( especially in my case ) heh...and " Slow and steady wins the race". Slow and steady? what does that mean? I can't think of making it all the way to the finish line first ( hey, that could mean YEARS from now....xP ) i have to think " i won't have sex this week" then the next week will come and i'll think again " i wont have sex this week" . ( its called, "thinking into existence".Lets hope it works ). Heh. I know i'm over preparing...cuz its not like i think i'm going to be a nymphomaniacal freak of nature.....but i just want to be sure to do things RIGHT....do things right with my Non-decision. =)
Thanks to my special friend...who loves to support me because she was SUCH an idiot in the past. HAH. and no, i don't take that back. =) <33
posted by
Laura at 10:36 PM
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i dunno what it is about cutting hair..( call me weird ) but i think it really alleviates stress, frumpiness, cabin fever...maybe the combination. Heh. This time the hair cutting was remedial to the stress. I just feel like.....i'm so stressed and i want to get away. I don't know how it really equates, but i think by cutting my hair, i can not be ME anymore, someone else for the time being. This current stress was out of anger, hatred, resentment for myself. =( I've done a lot of dumb things, and they all came back to bite me in the butt, despite all my friends' efforts to save me from exactly that. So i cut the hair, and i think i'm deluding myself to think i'm a different person now, that i wasnt that dumb girl that i was. But it works, for the time being. It's a good thing my hair already looked like i cut it myself, before i cut it myself. =) It's an even better thing that even though i might think it looks funky, its one of the things people compliment me the most on. So yay for me.
In class today, a lady came from the AIDS Awareness foundation. We did this activity where we shake hands and introduce ourselves to 3 people we think are nice or cute or funny or whatever. I got a little caught up in the hand-shaking, and shook 6 people all-together, including the guest speaker. She gave me an AIDS awareness ribbon and told me to put it in my pocket. And i felt oh so special.
Not long after, she asked for the girl who got the ribbon. I felt MORE special. She asked me to stand in front of the class, i felt scared. Then...she told me she gave me HIV, and that i had to tell the 3 people i gave it to. =/ So i gave it to 6 people( yeah, i was a little slut) , who each shook hands with 3 other people, who shook hands with 3 more people....till the WHOLE class was standing. Gosh, it was so scary. There wasnt a single person in the class who didnt have HIV, and it was all my fault. =( Heh. Its actually not very funny. Its scary.
I decided i want to be a born-again virgin. But then i came home, and thought about it some more. I'm not so sure. =/ Heh. Born-again virgin sounds like one of those euphemistic affirmations you tell yourself in the morning to feel good about yourself....but its so........superficial. You can keep telling yourself that, keep the mentality of that....but in the end, virginity is something you can never have again. =T Even though STD's and such are scary, icky, and the like...it wasnt even really a deciding factor in my "almost-decision". I just know i can't emotionally handle the concept of a " one-night stand", or " just for kicks"...or even sex in a relationship...because when you take it to that level, so much is on the line. And how much can you really know about the person you share that with? you just dont know...So about my "almost-decision", I think its a good idea. Judging on all my past endeavors, looking for love, looking for love that didnt need physical expression to show love, looking for the physical expression of love without love.... I think i have yet to learn what true love is...yet to learn what waiting is worth, yet to learn who is waiting for me, who i'm waiting for. So i shall.
well.....maybe not.
Maybe not " i shall" but " i have an inclination towards..", is what i guess you could call it. I just dont want to commit to something like that if i dont know if i can handle it.....because if i cant, then i'll be even more dissappointed in myself, and by then, i wont have any more hair left to cut because i probably will have cut it all off. And you know how those things are...like...you commit to it...say...cursing. You commit yourself to stop cursing. So you stop, and it works. Then somebody drops their book right on your toe and you scream out things that would just kill your momma. Then you feel disappointed...then you feel like you've failed....then you WANT to commit to it again, but you dont want to slip up and feel like youve failed...then you just stop caring alltogether. I dont want to do that. I dont want to plan to fail...but i guess i'm just scared.
Hopefully that inclination will advance. And then in comes prince charming...heh...and i wont have to wait, for long. =) " for long". Heh. Heh. ( if you keep looking at it, it looks, sounds like chinese. For long For long For long)
" do you want to play interrupting cow? Mmmmm.....hey ! you're supposed to say somethi---MOOO !! heh. Gotcha. Not really. Oh shut up."
posted by
Laura at 1:33 PM
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