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wThe World is my Oyster |
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I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal.
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wSaturday, January 04, 2003 |
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All those years of enduring sibling abuse has paid off !
*awww* so my brother did the nicest thing this morning.....it really almost brought me to tears. My brother spent the whole night last night in the hospital, ( i came home cuz i was literally dying from the flu ), but he went to the market on the way home this morning, and i awoke to hot chicken soup, a yummy bagel, hot seared sausage, lemon cake and a towering glass of O.J. with some Dayquil. He was all like " come on, get up and eat so you could feel better". I really was so surprised. Who would've thought he had it in him? =) heehee....when i said thanks, i was quick to remind him of how much he had tortured me in our youth, ( so that i might get some more princess treatment). I said " remember when you used to tell me how mom and dad picked me up in a trashcan in Hawaii? Yeah, that was mean..." *silence*. He casually laughed it off and told me to hurry and eat the soup before it got cold. I obeyed. And maybe it was because it had love in it, it was absolutely delicious. =) Boy, i feel so special. I love my brother so much....except when he gets mad for no reason, puts all these other girls before me, steals my stuff, ruins my stuff, embarasses me, gets all the attention, blames me for everything.....etcetera. =) hehe....mi vita bella....*sigh*
posted by
Laura at 8:50 PM
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wTuesday, December 31, 2002 |
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Dr. Vokshoor, My Very Own Superhero
wow, what a night. After a grueling 6 hour ( projected :3 hour) surgery, my dad's young neurosurgeon,his face moist and pink with exhaustion, swished open the doors and swiftly walked down the hallway to meet us, his robe taking flight as it trailed victoriously behind him.I imagined him lifting into the air with his arms steady above his head and flying away....and the heroic music played in the back of my head. I awoke from that daydream with him staring me dead in the eye. He shook my mom's hand, and then mine....and its funny how i noticed he didnt have a wedding band on his finger. ( i wonder if other girls do this too?) Anywho....the surgery went as well as it could have, but it came with quite a discovery that silences any joy we might have had for the successful surgery. It turns out that Dr. Vokshoor is almost sure that all the complications that occured during surgery are telltale signs of myeloma, a type of cancer. We still need to wait a week for absolute results from the lab, in which i'm hoping and praying that that my dad's current condition resides in the marginal 4% of doubt that its not. Within the coming week, my father will need to undergo another surgery, ( which is part two of the first surgery) to apply bolts from the back in the titanium cage they implanted in place of the two cervival spinal bones they took out, to support the neck. After that.....Dr. Vokshoor suggested chemotherapy...but was careful not to say the word "cancer" so he wouldn't frighten my family...but seeing as our whole family comes from a medical background, it really didnt do any good.
I'm off to the hospital again now.....i want to cherish every minute....
posted by
Laura at 2:38 AM
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wMonday, December 30, 2002 |
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This Morning..
I think i might have sustained some first degree burns this morning from turning the shower on too damn hot and not being able to get out for about 15 extra minutes cuz its too damn cold. I have little pink splotches all over the front side of my body, and i look like a leopard....a tan, pink, psychadelic one. I've had an interesting morning......awoke at 4:15 from leg cramps ( maybe i'm growing ! but probably from work the night before ) only to hear a soft groaning from the far corners of my hearing. My father had apparently fallen and was sprawled helplessly on the floor, mindlessly saying my brother's name over and over......luckily i heard and came to the rescue. =) To see my father so helpless in the course of fate really hit me in the heart....made me feel kind of like how you leave tomatoes on your windowsill to ripen, and when they've gotten too ripe and you try to pick it up, it just falls apart in your fingers.
My mom, bro and dad rushed off to the hospital. My mom didnt want me to come, which scares me. I think my father might undergo surgery tonight, at which i'll be there, whether she wants me to or not.
i thought i'd take a nap so i could be strong to stay awake tonight while waiting for his surgery, but it didnt happen. I found myself at my piano bench, and somehow recaptured this love for classical music, oddly enough. I decided to challenge myself this winter break, and practice George Gershwin's Jazz solo, Rhapsody in Blue. Boy, its tough. I feel like a little kid learning how to type with two fingers. But somehow, i managed to practice for about an hour. I have the first 3 pages down cold, and i skipped pages 4 through 24 to get to the lovely second movement, and i have 4 pages of that down cold. Although i wanted to challenge myself, i really dont think i'll get through the remaining 30 some-odd pages within this winterbreak. So i just played the good stuff, and played a lot of my old concert pieces i had done earlier in my youth. Chopin is my absolute favorite. Nocturne in B flat, Fantasie Impromptu, Raindrop Prelude, Minute Waltz, Grande Valse.....just to name a few.( gosh, i'm such a girl)Some other great pieces... Debussy - Clair de Lune, and of course, Pachebel's Canon in D is a classic must. Haha, i sound like a shnozzy concert critic or something. Also, while at the piano bench, i pondered that Johann S Bach must have been a genius. Because his music is so intricate....its crazy i tell you.
i dont feel so good. Maybe i should eat something. But then again, maybe i shouldnt. I feel like a cow, and the love of my life said to me the other night " hun, maybe you should work out". Lovely words to hear for a girl, eh? =P
And an enlightening factoid brought to me last night by fortune cookie.....so Filipina people might be friendly.....but i was right about my coworker.She wants me. She wants my body. She wants a little sumpin sumpin. Haha....just kidding. But my little inkling of doubt that she might be bi was right. =) I'm fine-tuning my gaydar !! orange you proud?
( P.s. I love you too, peter !! you're the greatest. And youre right. I AM a good girl. Youre so funny..."the #1, everything that americans dont eat from a cow" lol Hehe...i feel so special to be a part of your blogg. <3333 )
posted by
Laura at 8:37 AM
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wSunday, December 29, 2002 |
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All I want for Christmas....
is to feel a little loved, be held and told, showed, that everything is going to be okay.
I had a date with my wonderful fortune cookie, and while i had preconceived a night full of tears from sharing my woes and hardships, i had managed to contain myself pretty well.In fact, i had a pretty great time. I realized that all i wanted was for somebody to know that i was having a hard time, and that it was okay to feel sad. All i had wanted, was to see these eyes that are able to touch my soul simply by his sincerity, and feel supported, not to cry and be felt sorry for. And of course, his magic once again had worked on me. =)
So i've had a pretty rough holiday season. =(
My best friend ( who, was the only one who thought of me enough to get me something amidst all the usual holiday/final exams/family clamor) went away for the past two weeks, and my two closest friends went on this awesome snowboarding trip for the week that i couldnt go to because of this new job i decided to undertake. The love of my life is some odd hundred miles away, and i feel so alone.
My brother is home this season......but ever since the loss of Raymond, the holidays always seem to bring such somber feelings because he isn't here anymore. On top of that, my father is incredibly ill. The clock is ticking for him, and he needs to have surgery as soon as possible before his condition worsens. This surgical procedure has the potential to cripple him for the rest of his life, something my father thinks is worse than death, and has started to talk to us like he's getting ready to die. Its so tough, to see someone you love in so much pain, and not be able to do a single thing about it, to ease his pain, to tell him that he's being taken care of. Its the strangest thing, to see the hands of fate, befall you in so quick a period. Over the course of two weeks, my father has completely lost the sensation and use of his fingers ( which is the loss of his job, seeing as how he's a doctor ), can barely raise his arms to feed himself, and can barely walk. And he hasn't the slightest optimistic outlook because this surgery only holds the unsure promise that it wont get any worse, not that it will repair whatever's already been damaged.Suddenly i find myself getting angry with myself because i'm having horrible thoughts. I'm thinking...."now i have to be there for the person who was never there for me while i was growing up". And thats tough. I tried to make the best of the season, and went out and bankrupted myself trying to get gifts for my family, only to be shrugged aside in the glorious light of my brother, the "first child, and the oldest son" who thinks its a gift enough that he came home, even though he spends all his time here talking to all these girls that he's playing. I knew my brother wouldn't appreciate any effort i put into his present anyway, and reconsidered giving his present, only to give in to the "holiday spirit". Little did i know that being shrugged aside once again would only hurt me deeply. Even though i got my mother a really great present, she wasn't able to see it because of the immense concern for my father. And my father, of course, never really appreciated anything about me anyway.....so i guess i wasnt too dissappointed about that.
My best friend is far far away, and i think my two other friends are having too much fun with their non-school period that they haven't made any attempts to contact me. ( i forget that, i have changed my phone number...=P even though i left it on their voicemails). The only people really, who have been contacting me are these people who are trying to get into a relationship with me, and countlessly, probably purposely forget that, i am currently "UN"available. It kind of puts me into a self-loathing behavior, although i dont really understand why. i guess its because i feel like I'm only important to those who dont know me very well, and those who do know me very well might forgotten about me amidst all their holiday bliss.
I was waiting patiently under the misletoe, but Santa hadn't the heart to come kiss me....for the second Christmas in a row.
*sigh* maybe next year......
as for new year, i havent yet proceeded to make the list of resolutions to be militantly broken by the 3rd sunday of the new year. I hate how everyone kisses at the stroke of midnight......because once again, i will be all alone. Maybe fortune cookie can save me. =) As he always does...<33
posted by
Laura at 10:53 PM
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