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wThe World is my Oyster |
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I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal.
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wSaturday, November 02, 2002 |
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You think you know......and youre close, but no sex !
hehe...i just wanted to write that, because i like that phrase.
Yes, i know i'm so odd.
Anywho, lately, i've been in a funk...and a big one. So, i havent been writing much because i think i'll confuse myself.
I went to visit my brother's memorial today....the littlest things here and there have kept him on my mind stronger than usual.....and as i sat there fantasizing about how life could have been, i wondered why i always do that. He was here, he was my brother, i loved him and tragically enough, never told him that....and now he's gone. But everytime i go, i sit there and fantasize about how it would be if he was around...he'd be my hero, my buddy, a constant nag about how dumb and ugly i am...we'd go eat together ( for those who know me well enough, this is one of my favorite things ...hehe...i have an oral fixation problem) he'd worry about me, i'd worry about him, he'd steal my cd's and i'd steal his clothes in the winter, i'd hide my food from him because he devours anything and everything in sight, i'd come up with clever ways to scare him while he was sleeping, i'd make him pay my phone bill if i washed his car for him, i'd leave little surprises for him here and there, i'd always have somebody to play monopoly with........and maybe, just maybe, i'd remember to tell him i loved him at every opportunity i had.
But he's gone now....and its hard to tell myself that all that i fantasize about will never be, and there's not a single thing in the world i could do to even get close to that.
And that makes me sad.
And I dont want anybody to pat me on the back and make promises about being there for me, i dont want any sympathetic fool to tell me he'll try to fill in his shoes because he will never, i dont want anybody telling to me forget about it, stop thinking about it, i dont want people telling me its been 4 years already, and i dont want people telling me that i have to be strong, because i'm not. I just want to be sad about it.....please just let me be sad about it. I mean, shouldnt i be? He was my brother.
Why is it so hard to get over what could have been? even when sometimes, the answers are so obvious?
It scares me that i have to learn everything the hard way....when i know logistically the probability of the desired outcome.....i still have to do it, find out, so that i never have to wonder about what could have been....even if it hurts me in the end. And i'm looking at myself, and i see a real idiot sometimes. I wouldnt be surprised if others, and loved ones at that, thought of me the same way. And i've finally learned the meaning of that cliche phrase .." a real catch 22"
Things that remind me of him? Anything and everything that makes me happy......my new stevie wonder CD ( the one we'd probably dance around like chickens to ) yoohoo chocolate drinks and kraft macaroni and cheese, tango dancing attempts, tap dancing attempts, self conscious behavior, snoring sounds, talking in my sleep ( he did that too, isnt that so cool? ) itty bitty teeth, red hair dye, Stevie B, Ace of Base, Brad Pitt, fobbiness, un-fobbiness, pleasant people, funny people, cK one, tweezers, late night talks, christmas, Tupac, comedy shows, ......the list can really continue....they just pop up here and there, day to day....and i really miss him. And i want to.
posted by
Laura at 10:32 PM
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