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wThe World is my Oyster |
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I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal.
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wWednesday, October 09, 2002 |
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The Future of Technology makes for one helluva bad run-in with Reality....
Would i be wrong to say this? In the middle of my English lit. lecture, it hits me. ( We're talking about the Awakening...i have no idea how these thoughts just done fumbled into my head...haha) When we listen to (recorded) music, even if its our FAVORITE artist in the whole world, we are listening to imposters ! Because at no time in real conditions could one sound the way they do in their records. They have been doctored, digitally enhanced, pitch-corrected, and cleaned. Of course, they do it in the listener's best interest, to provide for them the BEST listening experience for the art that is their music. But unknowingly, they have also DESTROYED the art that is live music ! I mean, i could listen to a recording of Vivaldi's Four Seasons ( please listen to this piece if you haven't already...its beauty is undeniable) but hearing it live is a rather celestial experience. Looking at it the other way...going from listening to live music to digitally enhanced music, the recorded music is spooky and unworldly. I'd rather listen to the sharp crisp sound of a page of music rapidly turned, the sound of labored breath from the woodwinds, the gentle coughing in the back, the dropping of the mallets in the percussion section, the tapping of the feet to the rhythm.....because it just makes it all real. And who can really tell the difference between A Flat calibrated to .7 and A Flat calibrated to .9? The constant thirst for perfection, i think, just makes for a harder impact in the fall to reality. Oh, and the same thing can be said about magazine and photo shoots. Women don't really look like that all the time.( Yes, its dissappointing, i know. Even when they show you photo's of a girl who's just gotten out of her bed.....she doesn't look like that when she gets out of bed...) Same goes for men ! and plastic surgery, breast implants, nose jobs, eyelid surgery, liposuction, facial bone corrective surgery, lip implants....... how are we ever going to tell the difference between what's real and what's not? And more importantly, why is "not being real" so widely accepted in a society that wants for nothing but "reality" and "truth"? The point is, no matter how good people can make it look or sound, its never like that in real life....and reality keeps getting farther and farther away with the advancements in technology made specifically for superficial reasons.
posted by
Laura at 12:21 AM
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wTuesday, October 08, 2002 |
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What is the world coming to?
I came across a young man today who seemed to be struggling down the escalator in his crutches, so i gathered his things and led him to the nearest elevator ( hey, i didnt practically live at the mall in retail for nothing). Because of my insatiable curiosity, i just had to ask him what was the cause of the huge injury in his upper leg. He then looked me in the eyes with the most beautiful set of eyes i've ever looked in, and told me he was shot. i casually laughed it off, because those types of things only happen on TV and in the movies, not so close to home. However, he wasn't laughing with me, but was dead serious. I quickly caught on and felt sheepish for my ignorance. Turns out this young man was an American Navy Seal sent into Afghanistan, and was ambushed. It hit me so deep, because here was this man...somebody's son, somebody's brother, somebody's lover, somebody's best friend, somebody's mentor......being sent into danger, for the well-being of his fellow Americans. And moreso, because he was so willing to do it. Not only was this man unshaken by his injury, but angry that he was sent home to heal when his fellow soldiers were out there fighting.
All i could say is wow.
We got to our destination and as he fumbled around with his crutches and bags, i couldn't help but throw my arms around this man and thank him for the gift he gave me that day....for giving me the ability to see life and love in a whole new light. I wish him an expedited recovery...and for protection when his mother reluctantly sends her beloved, eager son back into danger.
posted by
Laura at 11:33 PM
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wMonday, October 07, 2002 |
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Boys, Men and that ephemeral thing called “Friendship”
Once an avid believer in the existence of male - female friendships, I must now repudiate that notion. It might not be the case for everybody, but for me, not once have i ever had a successful “friendship” with a male. Note i say “friendship” which by definition means “ a person whom one knows, likes, trusts” and nowhere in the definition is the implication of any sexual involvement whatsoever.
One must be careful in deciding and labeling who are your “friends” as opposed to mere aquaintances (because of course, these can exist between males and females). Of course there could be a male in whom you trust, care for, and know a lot about. But somewhere down the line of this evanescent “friendship” sexual tension creeps in and makes for a whole lot of complications.
I have proof ( Professor Sheldon Ü ) within my reasons for this belief.
Case 1
I present the man whom i find to be the epitome of a male companion. However, my relationship to him is strictly one - dimensional. Yes, i do find him attractive, but i’d never cross the line because he’s the property Ü of a girlfriend whom i love and care about very much. Now, i care about this man, trust him, confide in him, offer solace when he’s in need...much like a friend.
But one day, this man tells me i’m beautiful, a lovely thing to hear for a girl. I’m very flattered, but don’t take it for anything, because of course, a friend can tell another friend of their beauty. But the next day, it furthers, and soon his Owner (who’s also my friend whom i love ) is very angry with me. But for what? It’s obvious that this man loves her and only her very much, but his “friendliness” and her jealousy make for a very complicated “friendship”. So i end it. It’s sad, yes, because i cared about him very much, without the slightest inclination to advance the
friendship.
Case 2
Out with my best girlfriend for her birthday. Amidst my shopping for an addition to a small music box collection i’ve got going for my mom, I see someone approaching me. “Oh, brother” i think quietly to myself, because I dont want anything to do with the male gender right now. ( maybe i’ll tell you why later.) But i’m not being approached, i’m being backed into the corner of the highly visible front of the store, by a rather distinguished music producer, and members of his entourage. I try to slip away before he gets any words out, so that my retraction doesn’t offend him. However, I can’t find a way around his entourage and his increasing violation of my personal space. Already I’m saying no to whatever it is he is about to say. He introduces himself, tells me of his profession, completely unaware ( or indifferent, whatever the case) of how uncomfortable he is making me. He tells me that he’s looking for a smart woman like me, who doesn’t like him for what he can provide....but amidst his shameless exhibition of his excessive wealth, those words don’t mean a thing. I politely tell him that i never want to be involved with someone again, but thank him for his kind words. I try to leave when he grabs my wrist and explains he doesnt want a relationship with me, he just wants to be “friends”. “What’s wrong with being friends? We could get to know eachother” he remarks. Again, i politely refuse, but he can’t take no for an answer. He absolutely has to be “friends” with me before i leave. So i pretend to write down his Long Beach studio number ( another reason why i didn’t want to know him... maybe one day i’ll tell you why) and tell him i don’t promise to call him. ( I had to be honest.) I try to get along on my way, but he stops me once again. “I can’t get your number? I just want to be ‘friends’ .” That’s the 3rd time he mentions that word, and i get increasingly irritated because it’s a blatant lie. I tell him i don’t own a phone, and rather untimely my phone begins to ring in my purse. I couldn’t get out of the situation, I’m pressured into releasing my phone number, and finally he’s satisfied. A week passes by, he calls me and tells me to pick up my new v70 phone at the local store, my current number has already been transferred to the new phone ( this from a man who’s first words were that he didnt want a woman to like him for what he can provide, and he’s doing it to himself ). When i refuse the gift, he becomes angry, because i “don’t appreciate all the things he does for me”. Umm, what kind of “friend” does stuff like that for eachother in the first place? So i end this “friendship” as quickly as it reluctantly started.
Case 3
After a long and rather inauspicious relationship ( the one i might tell you about later) I found myself wanting just to be with somebody who genuinely wanted to care for me, let me care for him, and not want anything else from me. But before spending time with THIS young man (we’ll call him *Davidoff), i made it clear that all i wanted with him was a good and true friendship, (nothing more) and he agreed to
that, claiming that was all he wanted as well. So we spent time together, and he promised to “always be there, no matter what.” ( a post on “Lies People tell” coming up). We’d have great times together, and although he was fine Ü, i was truly enjoying the placid friendship we had going.
Oh, but how long could it last? His intentions might have been good, but his idea of “friendship” got to be a little too intense for me. And so i ran.
Case 4
After the bad relationship, then to Davidoff...i started to get scared. I desperately needed to prove to myself that yes, males and females can definitely be friends. I turned to the one friend of whom i was sure there was no sexual tension. After a couple of days spent together...it started to progress into an all-too-familiar pattern. I felt like i was in a bad horror movie that kept recreating itself; the ugly face of reality started to surface in my fantasy of friendship. I’m already running...
Case 5
Not long after my running streak, a “friend” whom i disassociated myself from a year ago called me out of the blue, in the middle of the night. As i’m trying to wake up, he bombards me with blame-ridden remarks. “ ....you’re the reason i could never date again, you played with my heart, you break people’s hearts so easily...i hate you.” Umm...hate? Rather hurt by that, i defend myself. Because i made it blatantly clear even LAST year that i wanted nothing but to be friends, and i never did anything to make him believe otherwise. Hey, but i already ran away from him once...its not like i’d run backwards....
Case 6
This one’s a sad one. Because the lesson teaches itself in this one. A former boyfriend from over 2 years ago, whom i’ve just recently forgiven ( it was a big step, thank you very much) is trying so hard now to be “friends”. Now, i know that he’s sorry for all he put me through in the past, and wants to make it up to me, but i’ve already forgiven him. However, he fails to realize that forgiveness and friendship stand in two very different categories. As much as i’d like to grant him his wish and BE friends, I’m hesitant because I already know the likelihood of us being actual “friends” is slim. After a long talk in his car in front of my house...we get to the bottom line. He wants to be “friends”, because he wants me to know how sorry he is for all that he did, so that he could make it up to me, because ....he wants me back.
To look at the situation wisely, it must be examined from both sides of the perspective. What kind of “friend” would i be if i continued spending time with a man who’s ultimate goal is to be with me, and i had no intention of the same goal? OR... what kind of “friend” would he be if he knew the last thing i wanted was a relationship, but that was all he was seeking?
It might work....but again i flee. I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster (maybe i’ll tell you the source of all this frustration later). Things are looking bleak...dismal.....
BUT WAIT !!! WHATS THIS????
Here’s *Eric (name has been changed) who...treats me like a queen. He respects my current disposition...and sincerely wants for nothing more than what we have, a true friendship. He holds and comforts me when i’m sad, dances with me when i’m glad, listens when i feel talkative, listens even when i’m not talking. He shares his life with me, his hardships and his joys... his aspirations in life. He’s there when i need him; he’s there, just because he cares. He pulls out my chair, takes off his jacket to make sure i’m warm...surprises me at work when i’m feeling down. Incredibly intelligent, frightfully funny....absolutely beautiful.
And so it continues....a splendid friendship...and him wanting nothing more than that.
Why does this work so well? Am i going to have taken all this time to substantiate my belief just to contradict myself?
Well, Eric is gay. There's no sexual tension between us, whatsoever.
In conclusion, I reiterate my belief that sexual tension simply further complicates what already feeble chance there is at an enduring “friendship” between a male and a female. I might not know how right i am, but i definitely know how not wrong i am.
posted by
Laura at 11:18 PM
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Smile, for all the world to see.
It’s amazing how far a smile and a sincere attitude will get you. I tell you, in this day and age, people delight to be around a true and sincere person. People treat you different when you let your soul shine, through your face for all to see. I’ve written down some people’s reactions to smiley ole me in just the past week.
1) a two dollar donation from the man behind me at the grocery store because i came up short.
2) i get the special “teacher’s” discount on sheet music at my favorite music store
3) a free drink with my sandwich at the local deli because i was too broke and ordered water instead.
4) people ask for your name, and look forward to seeing you again.
5)discounts on merchandise because i’m an “insider”
6)children, toddlers, EVERYWHERE ! all over you ! like kids in a candy store ! wanting to play with you, talk to you, be around you, hug you.. EVERYWHERE ! ( and oh, how i love it )
7) oOh, cute boys, everywhere, EVERYWHERE ! almost as many as the children ! haha...and they come up with the most interesting ways to describe your smile..... describe your face...anything to say to just have you stop for a moment and talk...( initally, this one is not a reason for my smiling, but hey, talk about wonderful perks )
As you can see, the list can continue itself. But i think the best thing you can get back from smiling all day is when people smile back at you. Because you’ve taken their ordinary day and made it into a better one. And when you smile, you feel good about yourself as well....and if you feel good about yourself, other people will feel good about you and want to be around you. And I LOVE people ! So it’s really a win-win situation for me. Also, its FreE ! so why not? =) Smile, for all the world to see.
posted by
Laura at 11:17 PM
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My dog said the pumpkin bit my grandma !
I've just returned from the elementary school i volunteer at,( i work with at-risk kindergarteners) and i can't help but laugh from the inside out. These 5 year old kids have a way of making you happy even when you think you can't even manage a smile. One of the children I help one-on-one looked up at me with her big brown eyes and told me she was happy to see me today....she missed me...and in that instant my heart melted. I have no idea what she means when she tells me her dog told her the pumpkin bit her grandma...but still i understand. As I help her do her work, I can't imagine what kind of parents could be so busy that they can't acknowledge the adorable little things she does. The little idiosyncracies here and there that show up as she does
her work just gets to the heart of me. She tells me, "I like you. I wish you were my mom. My mom never even sees me." It could be possible that this child is just saying this, but i doubt it...and I'm doing it again. I tell myself I shouldn't get so attatched to this child, because the only place I can help her is here at school. I tell myself I'm only going to get hurt the day she comes to school and asks me to come home with her, to be her big sister, and I can't. I try to explain to her that the only reason I come is to help her with her work, but even then I'm lying. I come to see these
children's precious eyes, their beaming smiles, and for the opportunity to tell them that I love them, for just being them...and that's all they need to do to be loved. I wonder what goes on at home with these children, who think they have to act or look a certain way( when they don't even know the alphabet) for their parent's to love them. But then again, it's none of my business.
TODAY is a WONDERFUL day ! Today is the day I thank God for my best friend, myother half, my voice of reason when all too easily my heart leads me away, the shoulder that is always there, and the ear that never sleeps. Today is the day Tracy was born...and boy, are we gonna celebrate ! =)
posted by
Laura at 11:13 PM
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Prayer? Oh, Definitely.
My Prayer - Andrea Bocelli
I pray you'll be our eyes, and watch us where we go.
And help us to be wise, in times where we don't know.
Let this be our prayer, when we lose our way...
Lead us to a place,
guide us with your grace,
to a place where we'll be safe.
The simple beauty of this song always brings me to tears. What do you do when you find yourself following your heart, knowing that it has the possibility to hurt you? Who do you trust, when sometimes, you can't even trust yourself? This makes prayer a necessity in life; to guide you. Too many times in my life have I blindly followed my naive little heart, arrogantly dismissing the need for guidance,prayer, and room for myself. Only when I got truly hurt did i realize... Hey! I'm not running the show.
I fell in my tap dance class this morning, amidst my feeble attempt to recreate a double backward flip/ padaberet. I fell so fast I didn't even have time to realize i fell, only to be awakened by a dazzling pain in my limbs, and my teacher telling me I was lucky I didnt shatter my wrists. If it wasnt for that jolting pain traveling my body, I might even have been embarassed. Although I knew what I was doing, I didnt know that the floor was slick from the rain the night before.I could have (SHOULD have) asked for somebody to spot me before up and catapulting myself into the air. And so experience today, ( its a huge comparison, i know...but stay with me ) has shown me that LIFE is something we couldnt possibly be prepared for. We could know what we're doing, but life itself is an everchanging and mysterious force...and for that, we need guidance.
posted by
Laura at 11:09 PM
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